I wonder what it can be like, your life –
now that we’ve become detached
and you may flourish on your own –
a life full of excuses, self-discipline
as foreign to your tongue as any word
of Suomen kieli or Euskera, distant from your mind
as Ottoman order, power and decadence,
as Byzantine magnificence, manifesting God.
A life spent praying, searching, yearning:
for mercy without honesty….
for art, for math, for love, for innocence….
for kind acceptance with disbelief
suspended, between spirit and dependence;
a life indulging fantasy unanchored,
rejoicing in elusive charming freedoms,
in poverty patched by narrow bands of peace
and grace and garlanded deceptions;
a life lived too intensely but not well,
preying on its past in solitary spaces;
a life that I escaped, but at a cost.
And I wonder, What do you want?